George and Isaac have pointed out how few people are talking about the retirement of Harold Pinter. I don't know what to say about it. I know I wrote plays before I discovered Pinter, but I can't remember how. I wrote the piece below while thinking about this.
There's a bit of rough language here, so don't read it if you don't like that.
--SlowLearner
You Look Really Hot
by Mac Rogers
HEATHER
MONICA
A reception desk for two receptionists. HEATHER is at one chair; the other is empty. HEATHER is taking a call.
HEATHER
Yes… yes sir, that’s correct. Yes sir, he can check it from Chicago. Yes sir – no, I’m sorry, I’m afraid all he told me was that he would be at the conference for three days and that he would be checking his voice- and email twice a day.
Enter MONICA, wearing a coat. She goes to the other chair and puts her stuff down, signaling a “Sorry I’m late” apology to HEATHER.
Well then he probably got it, sir. I would assume – I can’t say for sure, but I’m assuming since he’s checking twice a day that – well I certainly can give you his voice-mail again.
MONICA takes her coat off, revealing the outfit she’s wearing underneath. HEATHER notices.
Well all right, then if – yes sir – yes sir – yes sir, all I can do is – he probably has, I can’t say for sure – yes sir – all right – well thank you, sir. Good-bye.
(She disconnects the call.)
MONICA
God, that sounded awful.
HEATHER
Danny Kim.
MONICA
God, I hate him! I’ve only talked to him twice and I hate him! He’s always trying to make you say something bad about the VPs, like, “Oh, she’s still not in? It’s like she never came back from maternity leave!” And it’s like, “What do you expect me to say?” You expect me to agree with that?”
HEATHER
Yeah.
MONICA
Was he trying to get you to say Santilli doesn’t return his calls?
HEATHER
Mmm.
MONICA
It’s like, “Dude, you can joke around all you want, but if we joke back, we’re gonna get fired.” Is he a prick or is he clueless or what?”
HEATHER
You look really hot.
MONICA
What? Oh… thank you.
HEATHER
You’re welcome.
MONICA
Wow. That’s a really nice thing to say!
HEATHER
It’s the truth.
MONICA
Really? I sorta feel like it’s too much – or like it’s too –
HEATHER
For what?
MONICA
For what?
HEATHER
Too much for what?
MONICA
Oh… well I have this date.
HEATHER
Okay.
MONICA
Yeah.
HEATHER
Oh – today?
MONICA
Tonight, yeah.
HEATHER
Those are the clothes you’re wearing on your date.
MONICA
Yeah, see, I’m trying to strike this balance? Like, I knew I wouldn’t have time to go home and change, so it’s like I’m standing in front of my closet this morning and it’s basically, “Whatever you wanna be wearing when you see him, you better put it on now.” But it had to be something I could wear to both work and a date – but not a full-on date, just a five-thirty date. So, you know, a really fine line.
HEATHER
A five-thirty date?
MONICA
You know.
HEATHER
No.
MONICA
A five-thirty date. Like, “Oh, I’m having dinner with the girls at , whatever, seven-thirty, but I have time for a drink, if you want, just like half an hour right after work and then I gotta jet.”
HEATHER
Oh.
MONICA
So if there’s nothing, you know, no connection, then whatever, I go to pretend-dinner and he goes wherever. But maybe if there is something, maybe suddenly I don’t have dinner with the girls, maybe I get a “message” on my cell that one of them’s canceled or sick or something, and then I see what happens from there.
HEATHER
All right.
MONICA
So yeah. That kind of thing.
HEATHER
What if he takes you at your word?
MONICA
My word?
HEATHER
What if he believes you?
MONICA
Believes what?
HEATHER
That you really do have dinner plans. And you can only see him for half an hour. He might have already made other plans for the rest of the evening.
MONICA
You think he did?
HEATHER
I don’t know.
MONICA
I’m sure he didn’t. God, I hope he didn’t. That would be so clueless!
HEATHER
Is that right?
MONICA
That’s hilarious. God, I would lose so much respect for him. No, I’m like ninety percent, ninety-five percent sure that’s not the case.
HEATHER
All right.
MONICA
That is hilarious.
HEATHER
(indicating MONICA’s phone)
You’re blinking.
MONICA
Oh shit! Thank you.
(She answers the phone.)
Acquisitions, this is Monica. I’m sorry, he’s in Chicago, if you like I can send you to his – oh hey, Mr. Voss! I completely didn’t recognize your voice. Yeah, he’s in Chicago – the conference? Yeah. What? Oh, yeah, yeah, keep talking, Mr. Voss. I’ll make sure. I’ll make sure. Oh, you know I will! Okay, Mr. Voss. Bye.
(She disconnects the call.)
He is just ridiculous. Voss? He has got to be the worst flirt of all time. Do you ever just feel like laughing at him?
HEATHER
He doesn’t flirt with me.
MONICA
Really?
HEATHER
He doesn’t flirt with me.
MONICA
Weird… well…
(Pause.)
God it’s gonna be like a ghost town here ‘till everybody gets back.
HEATHER
Do you need to leave early?
MONICA
Early? Why?
HEATHER
If your date is at five-thirty.
MONICA
Oh no, I’m fine. It’s pretty close by.
HEATHER
Okay, I just thought that’s what you meant.
MONICA
What I meant?
HEATHER
“It’s going to be quiet here today, so it’ll be okay if I leave early.”
MONICA
No, no, I wasn’t trying to say that. Did you think I was – I can work a whole day. I know I was a little late.
HEATHER
Well, the outfit.
MONICA
Well, and the train.
HEATHER
It’s all right. I’m not your boss.
MONICA
Oh, I know, I just – I just know if I’m not here you have to work all the calls – although I guess it’s gonna be dead this week –
HEATHER
I can work all the calls.
MONICA
Oh, I’m sure you can, I’m just saying –
HEATHER
It took them four months to hire you.
MONICA
Really?
HEATHER
Uh-huh.
MONICA
You were alone here for four months?
HEATHER
Yes.
MONICA
Shit… well you don’t have to do it alone anymore.
(Pause.)
Anyway, I don’t wanna be exactly on time.
HEATHER
What, to work?
MONICA
To the date.
HEATHER
You wanna be late?
MONICA
Not late so much as second. I want him to see me walk over to him.
HEATHER
You want him to see you walk over to him.
MONICA
As opposed to me already standing in there and him walking over to me. Or even worse, me already sitting somewhere and him walking over to me. That would be basically pointless.
Pause.
HEATHER
Well, it sounds like you’d like this date to work out.
MONICA
Oh my God, I can’t even tell you, I mean… yes, the answer is yes, without doubt, please let this work out.
HEATHER
To what?
MONICA
To what? Oh, “work out to what?”
HEATHER
Yes.
MONICA
See, I catch on. I don’t know, work out to… something, something at least pleasant and, I guess, exceeding at least a certain period of time.
HEATHER
Okay.
MONICA
I don’t know if I can see “boyfriend” at this point in my life, but at least more than just stupid fun, you know?
HEATHER
He sounds very special.
MONICA
Yes. Yes. Special. I.e. different. I mean… like… all right. We’re talking. This is this past weekend - no, you know what, this is Wednesday a week ago.
HEATHER
Okay.
MONICA
And the conversation was great, you know, easy, funny – we actually closed the place down, I remember, they had to turn the lights on.
HEATHER
The place?
MONICA
This bar, um, you probably know it, it’s like Ludlow Street, or just off Ludlow Street?
HEATHER
You were at a bar last Wednesday night until it closed?
MONICA
Yeah, like two-thirty, two-forty-five, something like that.
HEATHER
How were you able to work the next day?
MONICA
What do you mean?
HEATHER
I’m sorry, I interrupted your story.
MONICA
Oh, that’s okay, I mean, it was just basically: so we were leaving – my friends were leaving, his friends were leaving – everyone was kissing on the cheek, saying goodbye…
HEATHER
Sure.
MONICA
So now it’s that really awesome kind of tension, you know, is he gonna somehow lay the groundwork for a next time? So when it’s our turn to say goodbye to each other, he kisses me on the cheek, but then he pulls back just a little bit and he – see, this is hard to – can I demonstrate on you?
HEATHER
I don’t know what you mean by that.
MONICA
Can I demonstrate on you what he did?
HEATHER
I guess that depends.
MONICA
Oh! No. Oh, my god, I’m sorry, that is hilarious, I’m sorry, no, no, nothing like that. I’m sorry, I should have been clearer. Here, just – let’s just say you’re me and I’m him.
HEATHER
What do you need me to do?
MONICA
Nothing, he did everything.
HEATHER
Okay.
MONICA
So he kisses me on the cheek…
(She kisses HEATHER on the cheek)
… but then he pulls back a little, just about to here, and then he puts his hand on my upper-arm, like this…
(demonstrates on HEATHER)
… doesn’t slide it up my arm, huge red-flag, no, just places his hand on my upper-arm and squeezes. And I’m doing it now, but I can’t do it exactly like he did it.
HEATHER
Right.
MONICA
And I don’t know if – I’m you’ve had a similar experience a couple of times, but it’s that thing where a man touches you in a way that’s not sleazy or questionable in any way, but just very direct, and you say to yourself, “This man knows what he’s doing.” You know?
HEATHER
No.
MONICA
No? Or – no, meaning –
HEATHER
No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Pause.
MONICA
Oh, I mean – oh, I’m so stupid, I’m just sitting here assuming that you’re straight and I don’t know anything about you, I’m sorry, making assumptions is totally uncool. Maybe like you’ve had a woman touch you in that particular way.
HEATHER
No.
MONICA
No, you…?
HEATHER
No.
Pause.
MONICA
Well yeah, so basically, that was how we… so anyway, yeah, hopefully it’ll go well.
(Pause.)
I mean, I’m saying all this stuff, he might just be… like in the cold light of five-thirty he might just be… I mean, who knows, right? Men are inexplicable.
HEATHER
Really?
MONICA
You don’t think so?
HEATHER
You think men are inexplicable?
MONICA
Yeah, I absolutely do. I mean, in my dealings with men, my, whatever, encounters with men, I try to apply any kind of… any yardstick, any standard of motivation to explain why they do what they do, and it’s just a black fucking hole. It’s like they’re guided by – it’s like they get their instructions from the Mothership orbiting, fucking, Pluto. That’s the only explanation.
(Pause.)
You don’t think so?
HEATHER
I think it’s possible to imagine any given situation from a man’s point of view and predict – with I think reasonable accuracy – what he’s going to do.
MONICA
You do?
HEATHER
Sure. I think I could do it for you right now.
MONICA
For me?
HEATHER
For your situation. For your date tonight. I think we could take a pretty educated guess.
MONICA
About… you mean, like how it’ll turn out?
HEATHER
If you like. Or, you know, what he’ll think of your choice of clothing, what he’ll want to –
MONICA
GOD I hope I got the outfit right, you know? Like, as long as no eyebrows are raised in the office, and it gets him interested, or keeps him interested, but not so far that he thinks I’m the village, you know…
HEATHER
No, see, that’s wrong, that’s what you’re thinking about it. The point is to determine what he’s thinking about it. He wasn’t at your closet this morning during the selection process. He won’t remember any of the colors tomorrow. You need to assume a more… ah… elemental perception.
MONICA
Like to get into his head?
HEATHER
Sure. Like, for example, your top stretches very flatteringly against your tits. So that’s one thing he’ll notice in you favor. Is something wrong?
MONICA
Wow.
HEATHER
Are you all right?
MONICA
No, it’s just… the word startled me.
HEATHER
Tits?
MONICA
Yeah.
HEATHER
Startled you?
MONICA
Well not like it –
HEATHER
You’ve never heard the word “tits” before?
MONICA
Well not that I’ve never heard it –
HEATHER
In television and in movies?
MONICA
Of course, just –
HEATHER
Your girlfriends say it too, right?
MONICA
Well I guess they –
HEATHER
And then you all clap your hands over your mouths and shriek, correct?
MONICA
Um, well in certain –
HEATHER
But not when I say it. You don’t have the same reaction with me.
MONICA
It’s just… have I offended you, or - ?
HEATHER
I’m just saying, you have to be able to think several steps down the line.
MONICA
How do you mean?
HEATHER
Well, how do you think I was able to work all the calls by myself for four months? It wasn’t a quiet four months. There was no convention that whole time.
MONICA
It must’ve been hell.
HEATHER
No, not really. I always just made a point of thinking several steps ahead of where I was at any given time and I kept up just fine. That’s what you need to learn to do.
MONICA
Think several steps ahead?
HEATHER
Or at least bear in mind that that’s what he will be doing. Would you like an example?
MONICA
Yeah, if you don’t mind, I –
HEATHER
Well let me ask you this: given the outfit that you’re wearing, how difficult would it be for him to get some of his fingers into your snatch?
Pause.
MONICA
I’m sorry, did you –
HEATHER
Specifically, what would he need to do? How many steps would there be? Would there be peeling or unsnapping or unzipping or unfastening? Specifically, with those clothes you have on, how difficult would it be for him to get two or three of his fingers into your nasty snatch?
(Pause.)
Take your time, think it through.
MONICA
I can’t believe…
HEATHER
Can’t believe what?
MONICA
I can’t believe you just said that to me.
HEATHER
Oh, well.
Pause.
MONICA
I think…
HEATHER
Yes?
MONICA
I think… that I should tell someone that you said that to me.
HEATHER
You mean like a friend? Or someone here at work? You mean someone here at work.
MONICA
Yeah.
HEATHER
Well then you want Brad Kinnick, he’s the HR rep for Acquisitions and he’s definitely the guy to talk to if you feel like another employee has addressed you inappropriately. You know Brad Kinnick, right? The office almost by the elevators?
MONICA
Yeah, he’s…
HEATHER
The only thing is, you should go home and change before you talk to him.
MONICA
What?
HEATHER
Go home and change into other clothes.
MONICA
Other…?
HEATHER
Yeah, if you’re gonna tell him what I said to you, you should really be wearing some different clothes.
MONICA
I don’t… wait –
HEATHER
Or don’t, actually. Go to his office right now, he’s not in Chicago, he should be in. Go see him in those clothes you’re wearing right now. Tell him everything I said to you. Here’s a tip, though: at the exact moment you say “fingers in my snatch,” make sure you’re watching his face. Specifically on “snatch,” make sure you’re looking straight at him.
MONICA
What did I say to you?
HEATHER
Or, if you’re not feeling up to it right now, we can call a meeting when the guys get back from Chicago. Everyone’s back by Monday, right?
MONICA
Did I say something to you?
HEATHER
Santilli, Danny Kim, Mr. Voss – let’s have a big meeting with all of them, and you can tell them I talked about fingers in your snatch. Tell them all so you only have to tell the story once.
MONICA
I don’t underst…. Heather, I don’t understand what I did.
Pause.
HEATHER
If you need to leave early for your date, you certainly can.
MONICA
I feel sick.
HEATHER
Sick how?
MONICA
My stomach.
HEATHER
Really? That sucks, Monica. You shouldn’t be here if you’re sick. You should go home. No one expects you to work when you’re sick.
MONICA
What did I ever say to you?
HEATHER
Only if you’re going home you should call him first.
MONICA
I…
HEATHER
Just to let him know you won’t be able to make your five-thirty.
(Pause.)
Just as a courtesy.
MONICA
All right – please.
HEATHER
Just to let him know you won’t be able to make it.
MONICA
God, I feel like I’m gonna…
She puts her head down on her desk.
HEATHER
Or if you’re not feeling up to it, I can call him for you. I can call him on your behalf. Just a quick call, just to let him know you can’t make it tonight. Do you have his number? You must have his number with you.
MONICA
Please stop.
HEATHER
Is it in your bag? The number’s in your bag, right? Is it okay if I reach into your bag?
(Her hand hovers over MONICA’s bag.)
Just so I can find his number? Is it okay? I won’t if you don’t want me to.
LIGHTS DOWN
END OF PLAY
Woah, this is bad-ass.
Posted by: Dan | March 29, 2005 at 09:54 PM
You should totally do this for a living. I bet you anything, you wipped that off in about twenty minutes.
Posted by: Sean | March 30, 2005 at 12:04 PM