SlowLearner: MOTHER SACRAMENTO

This year is the second year my Gideon colleagues and I are participating in the Vampire Cowboys Saturday Night Saloon, wherein six playwrights present plays in 10-minute installments over five months (on the second Saturday night of each month). It's really one of the most joyous, purely fun theatrical experiences of the year for me, and I'm really grateful to Qui, Abby, Robert, Lex, and the gang for putting it together.

I'm going to post each part of my play this year, Mother Sacramento, the week after we perform it. Each play is supposed to mesh two genres. I don't want to give away my genres just yet.

Mother Sacramento, Part 1, was performed on Saturday, September 12, 2009, at the Vampire Cowboys Battle Ranch. It was directed by Jordana Williams, with Kristen Vaughan as Mother Meghan, Michelle O'Connor as Claire, and Abe Goldfarb as Ben.

MOTHER SACRAMENTO
Part 1
©2009 by Mac Rogers

Lights up on CLAIRE, standing in the empty office of a priest inside a Catholic Church. She’s looking out of an unseen window.

MOTHER MEGHAN SACRAMENTO, a priest, enters and stops, surprised.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Hello. Is there anything I can help you with?

CLAIRE
Oh! I’m sorry. No, I was just here for – wait, do I say “God bless you, Mother?” first?

MOTHER MEGHAN
I don’t think it’s a rule.

CLAIRE
But it’s respectful, right?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Perhaps a tinier bit more respectful than entering an office unannounced, but I don’t stand on ceremony.

CLAIRE
I’m sorry, the door was cracked, so I –

MOTHER MEGHAN
Actually, that’s ridiculous. Of course I stand on ceremony.

CLAIRE
The door was a little open, and when I looked in I saw through the window to the statue.

MOTHER MEGHAN
That’s true, you can’t see it from the parking lot.

CLAIRE
Mary, right? The Virgin Mary, not the, you know, the –

MOTHER MEGHAN
I’m going to guess: you’re Claire Anderson.

CLAIRE
I – yes. Yes, sorry, this is dithering what I’m doing, right?

MOTHER MEGHAN
And you deliberately showed up a few minutes before your fiancé because you were hoping to catch me alone.

CLAIRE
Yes, okay, yes.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Now watch as I guess the reason. We priests have mystical powers, you’ve probably heard –

CLAIRE
Oh, actually, no, it’s probably not what you think –

MOTHER MEGHAN
No, it’s coming to me, give me a chance…

CLAIRE
It’s just…

MOTHER MEGHAN
I’ve got it! You’re not quite sure how you feel about getting your Pre-Cana marital counseling from the first-ever Papally-sanctioned female priest.

CLAIRE
Well it’s… related to that.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Claire: it’s totally fine. This is going to be weird for all of us for a long time. You don’t need to feel bad that it bothers you.

CLAIRE
It doesn’t.

MOTHER MEGHAN
But I’ll make you the same promise I’ve made everyone in the parish. If you keep showing up, I’ll keep showing up. I’ll bet you two dollars right now that you’ll get used to me.

CLAIRE
Seriously: it doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t raised Catholic. I don’t have a dog in the fight. I know a lot of people are pissed, some other people are happy, but I’m neither. Was it bad that I just said “pissed?”

MOTHER MEGHAN
You weren’t raised Catholic?

CLAIRE
My fiancé was. I converted. He wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t convert. Shit! We agreed I wasn’t gonna say that. And now I’ve cursed again!

MOTHER MEGHAN
Claire, a lot of people are fine with the idea of a woman for a priest as long as she isn’t their priest, I get that. You know what, why don’t we sneak some sodas from the –

CLAIRE
I don’t care that you’re a woman priest, or priestess, or whatever, seriously!

MOTHER MEGHAN
It doesn’t make you prejudiced, or –

CLAIRE
The problem is you dated my fiancé in high school. (Pause.)

MOTHER MEGHAN
… all right. You know, Claire, I don’t think that could actually be true.

CLAIRE is digging a high school yearbook out of her bag.

CLAIRE
Listen, I’m going to show you something, and you have to promise you won’t tell Ben.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Boy, that’s really not a great way to start a couples counseling session.

CLAIRE opens to a bookmarked page.

CLAIRE
That’s you, right? Meghan Sacramento? (MOTHER MEGHAN stares at the page in silence.) I think probably yes, right, from your face?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Where did you get this?

CLAIRE
And this… (Flips to another bookmarked page, a blank one filled with a long written note.) …is your handwriting. I’m guessing. (MOTHER MEGHAN reads.) Yeah it goes on to the… next page there… (MOTHER MEGHAN flips to the next page and reads the rest.) I’m sorry. I’m not trying to like catch you in something. But this is my life.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Your husband’s name is Ben Robbins.

CLAIRE
He would’ve been Ben Stiles before you moved out of Pittsburgh. His dad left and his mother went back to her maiden name. Do you want to see his picture?

MOTHER MEGHAN
I’m guessing that’s the third bookmark? (She’s already flipped to it.)

CLAIRE
He actually still looks a little like that. More than I look like my junior year picture, which is a pisser. What is my problem?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Yes, while I’d prefer you didn’t use profane words, they don’t actually scald my skin.

CLAIRE
I should’ve come to see you yesterday, or like last week.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Claire, you are clearly more than entitled to another priest. If you’ll give me a moment to make a phone call –

CLAIRE
It’s not like that. I know high school was a long time ago. I don’t like think you’re carrying some secret torch and becoming the most famous priest in the world probably isn’t part of your fifteen-year plan to win him back. I’m not saying you can’t do it.

MOTHER MEGHAN
But…

CLAIRE
But he’s never, ever spoken to me like that. He’s never written to me like that. He’s never spoken words like that to me.

MOTHER MEGHAN
These are my words.

CLAIRE
Sure, but if I opened your yearbook to the same two pages, what would I see? (Pause.)

MOTHER MEGHAN
You know this is only my third day in the parish. I thought, even an absolutely ordinary week would be an enormous challenge.

CLAIRE
I’m sorry.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Not at all. God simply doesn’t give out tests that we cannot rise to meet.

CLAIRE
I’m thirty-two. I’m getting married at thirty-two ‘cause I’m choosy. I want someone to love me like that. Am I ridiculous? Or like evil?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Claire, this… isn’t lifetime love. I don’t even know that this is love, this is… seventeen-year-old energy. It just needs to be poured out in some direction.

CLAIRE
This Church has married plenty of seventeen-year-olds.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Because this Church provides a haven where their energy can be harnessed and channeled, not just expended without care. The marriage of a man and a woman is the mirror image of the inextricable bond between Jesus Christ and his Holy Church, and within that analogous structure, there is a safe, strong home that will feed and warm and shelter your marriage over a lifetime.

BEN (off)
Claire? Claire?

CLAIRE
Shit, give it back to me – sorry, sorry! (She stashes the yearbook in her bag.)

BEN (off)
Claire?

CLAIRE
I’m already here, Ben! I’m inside!

BEN (off)
Can I… come in?

MOTHER MEGHAN
You can come in.

BEN enters. He and MOTHER MEGHAN look at each other.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Ben? Ben from St. Francis?

BEN
Listen, Meg, I owe you an apology –

MOTHER MEGHAN
It is you!

BEN
Yes, yes, guilty, I’m so sorry, listen, I should have called ahead to tell you –

MOTHER MEGHAN
From, don’t tell me now, debate team? And you were –

BEN
High IQ Challenge, it was a different thing –

MOTHER MEGHAN
And you were dating Louise O’Connor, right? Junior year?

BEN
Part of junior year.

MOTHER MEGHAN
I think even we dated for ten minutes somewhere in there, if I’m remembering right, though don’t worry, Claire, that mainly consisted of us sitting in the food court all day long complaining about our parents.

BEN
I think that’s right.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Well it’s wonderful to see you, Ben!

BEN
Thank you, it’s uh –

MOTHER MEGHAN
It is wonderful to see you in the Church, and most of all it is wonderful to see you engaged to this lovely, charming woman I’ve been getting to know just now.

BEN
Wow, thank you, Meg – Mother Meghan – (to CLAIRE) Boy, that’s nice, huh?

CLAIRE
God bless you, Mother.

BEN
Right, God bless you, Mother. Wow, it’s just crazy, isn’t it? If you’d said to me at that food court all those years ago –

MOTHER MEGHAN
“Stick it out, Ben, one day when I’m the first official female Catholic priest we’ll laugh about all this as I give you and your beautiful fiancé marital advice.”

BEN
Yeah, why didn’t you say that?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Well, I was a teenager, poor communication skills –

BEN
You know, when I told Claire I wanted to handle this right, you know, with the Church –

CLAIRE
Including the six months of living apart in celibacy, and I was meaning to ask you, is that a real thing? Because…

MOTHER MEGHAN
It’s… helpful.

BEN
Claire said “You know what? I bet we’ll get that lady on the news. That’s our parish.” I didn’t know who she meant.

CLAIRE
Ben watches a lot of History Channel. Or I assume he still does; we haven’t lived together in months -

MOTHER MEGHAN
Well, why don’t we get –

BEN
What I mean to say is, congratulations, Meg. Bottom of my heart. What you’ve achieved is extraordinary, it’s historic. And now I promise to never call you Meg again. (They look at each other.)

MOTHER MEGHAN
Well, thank you, then. So, I guess, in order to get started, and this is going to be my first Pre-Cana, so –

CLAIRE
Are we going to talk about why Ben won’t let me visit him at work?

BEN
See, again with this. Why do you want to visit me at work?

CLAIRE (to MOTHER MEGHAN)
The Church doesn’t have a problem with us having lunch together, right?

BEN
I don’t take lunch; I work straight through.

MOTHER MEGHAN
You know what, I’m going to suggest we start at the beginning instead of in the middle.

CLAIRE
Sorry.

BEN
This isn’t something we’d even discuss, right? I mean, it’s about the liturgical preparation; you’re not a marriage counselor.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Well Ben, over the next four sessions, I am a sort of a marriage counselor. Today we cover the sacramental nature of marriage, Session 3 a week from today is about intimacy and sexuality, Session Four is, yes, the liturgical planning, but tomorrow, Session Two, is communication and expectations. So, yes: lunch at work might come up. We want strong marriages in this church. Loving bonds, families, we have no Church without these, the Holy Church rests upon commitments like the one you two are about to make.

BEN takes CLAIRE’s hand.

BEN
Fair enough.

CLAIRE
You sound good. You don’t sound like it’s your first one.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Thank you, Claire. I should say, though, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m starting off easy. It’s a lot easier when a couple’s a bit older. People aren’t so full of illusions. People know who they are.

BEN
We’ve both, you know…

CLAIRE
We’ve both made some bad choices. Before we met.

BEN
Yeah.

CLAIRE
Oh – I’m not saying – I’m not talking about –

MOTHER MEGHAN
Of course you made bad choices. That’s what being young is for. My theory is that’s why the Lord gives us stronger bodies when we’re young. We have all these mistakes to withstand.

CLAIRE
It’s a good theory.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Well, it’s flawed; it falls apart when you consider that He gives the young much more fragile hearts.

CLAIRE
I’m trying to decide if I agree or if I totally disagree.

An alarm sounds. It continues over the following.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Oh dear, I’m sorry, I’ll have to –

CLAIRE
What is it, a break-in?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Oh, someone’s gone in the Sanctuary – almost certainly a kid. I’m sorry, give me two minutes.

CLAIRE (to BEN)
Are you all right?

BEN
No, it’s just this headache I’ve had all day, the noise is –

MOTHER MEGHAN
I’m so sorry, two minutes, I know the code – I’ll be right back.

MOTHER MEGHAN leaves.

CLAIRE
Boy, it’s a big one, huh?

BEN
It’s been there all week, but not like this.

CLAIRE
She’ll turn it off, she’ll turn it off. You know, if it’s really bad, we can go. We can reschedule this.

BEN
Actually, just – lemme just put my face in my hands for a second.

CLAIRE
You think it’s a migraine?

BEN
I just need this noise to stop – lemme just do this.

CLAIRE
Okay – okay. (BEN puts his face in his hands. CLAIRE reaches out to touch him, then decides against it. She goes to the window.) It’s kind of an amazing statue, I don’t know if you saw, really arresting…

BEN suddenly drops his hands from his face. He sits up straight. He looks pain-free. He looks different. He stands. The alarm stops.

CLAIRE
Thank god. (She looks back at BEN.) Oh, are you feeling better, babe? Is your head feeling better? (He goes to her, touches her.) Are you all right?

BEN suddenly seizes CLAIRE by the throat and throttles her. She struggles with him. She tries to pull at his arms. They are suddenly incredibly strong. She tries to make a sound. She can’t. CLAIRE dies just as MOTHER MEGHAN enters.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Hey – HEY! Hey STOP! (BEN flings CLAIRE at MOTHER MEGHAN. CLAIRE’s body falls into MOTHER MEGHAN’s arms. MOTHER MEGHAN staggers.) Claire? Claire are you all right? Claire? Claire? Oh my God. (She lowers CLAIRE to the floor.) Oh my God in Heaven. (She sees BEN moving slowly toward her.)

BEN
Mother?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Ben?

BEN
Mother May I? Motherland? Mothership? MotherFUCKER?

MOTHER MEGHAN
Ben, what’s happening?

BEN
Ben can’t answer.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Ben, what in God’s name is happening?

BEN
Ben is in here with us.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Stay away from me.

BEN
Ben is on the inside, with us. He lives inside with us.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Who are you?

BEN
What’s that, Mothersmilk? We can’t hear you.

MOTHER MEGHAN
Who are you?

BEN
We are ARAZEER! We are the Many! We are the Conjoined, the Continuous, the Contiguous, the Brothers and Sisters! We are Arazeer and Ben is on the inside with us!

MOTHER MEGHAN
What do you want?

BEN
We want you, Mother Sacramento. We crossed the Circles for you. We’ve come to take you away.

LIGHTS DOWN - END OF PART 1

12 Comments

Awesome. Really. I can't wait for the rest of it.

Posted by: kelsi | September 22, 2009 at 11:56 AM

YES. You have no way of knowing this, but I'm OBSESSED with Catholic/occult films as well as witch movies and glamorous, glamorous Satanist films like "Rosemary's Baby" and "I Drink Your Blood" etc.

I have an idea for a serial that combines the glamorous world of modeling, teenagers in peril films, and satanic cults.

Posted by: Josh | September 23, 2009 at 02:03 PM