MOTHER SACRAMENTO PART 2

The following scene contains explicit language. If that bothers you... I guess I don't really care. But maybe don't read it. 

Mother Sacramento, Part 2, was performed on Saturday, October 10, 2009, at the Vampire Cowboys Battle Ranch. It was directed by Jordana Williams, with Kristen Vaughan as Mother Meghan, Abe Goldfarb as Ben, Sean Williams as Detective Murphy, and Matthew Kinney as Detective Vance.

Mother Sacramanto Part 1 is here.

MOTHER SACRAMENTO
Part 2
©2009 by Mac Rogers

 

BEN is in an interrogation room. Detectives MURPHY and VANCE are watching him from an observation room. MURPHY wears a cross around his neck. MOTHER MEGHAN is with them.

                                                             BEN
We wonder… we wonder if she can hear us right now. We know you can hear us; what we want to know is if she’s with you. You should let us know. Maybe we’ll talk. Maybe we’ll confess. Are you listening, Mother Sacramento? We can almost tell but not quite. If you are, there’s some things we’d like to tell you.

                                                             VANCE
 All right, turn it off. (MURPHY doesn’t move.)

                                                            BEN
 We’d like to tell you how we’d lick your snatch. We’d like to tell you how – after you and we are joined – we will feast on your snatch every living day, voraciously, like a leg of lamb, like the fattest wiggling lump of sashimi on the whole plate.

                                                            VANCE (on “feast on your snatch”)

Murphy!

                                                            BEN
You should consider it, Mother Sacramento! We’re very good! Our combined jaws boast a history of snatch-licking spanning six thousand years!

VANCE pushes past MURPHY and hits a switch that silences BEN by cutting off the mic to his room.

                                                            VANCE (to MOTHER MEGHAN)
 On behalf of the  Pittsburgh Metropolitan Police Department –

                                                             MURPHY
 What are you, apologizing? Don’t apologize!

                                                            VANCE
 On behalf of the Pittsburgh Metropolitan Police Department I apologize that you were subjected to language of that nature on our premises, Ma’am. (to MURPHY) And the next time you don’t follow an order the second I give it you can stop counting on my protection altogether.

                                                             MURPHY
 Don’t talk to me like that in front of her!

                                                            VANCE
 To repeat: the next time you –

                                                             MURPHY
 I’m your fucking partner!

                                                             VANCE
 Not anymore, Murphy. What you are now is a headcase hanging by a thread, and I’m the only friend you’ve got left.

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
 There’s no need to apologize. They’re all words I’ve heard before.

                                                            VANCE
Still, you have a reasonable expectation of being able to enter a public building without –

 

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
And I imagine Detective Murphy had his reasons for wanting me to hear them. (Beat.) Detective?

 

                                                            MURPHY
 Hey, Vance, it’s your party.

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN

 I’ll answer any question you want to ask.

                                                             VANCE
 You know what, for right now, why don’t I take care of asking –

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
 Particularly any questions your partner is too shy to ask.

                                                            VANCE
Excuse me?

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
The collar can sometimes be more intimidating outside the Church than those within.

                                                            MURPHY
 The collar…

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
 Any question you like.

                                                            MURPHY
 That’s not a collar, that’s a costume.

                                                            VANCE
All right, Murphy, you shut that shit down right now.

                                                             MURPHY
Five years, you’re not gonna have my back when some phony in a Halloween –

                                                             VANCE
 Murphy! 

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
Any question you like, Detective. Anything at all.

                                                            MURPHY
 Are you fucking Ben Stiles?

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
 No. Ask me another.

                                                             VANCE
 Oh my god, we’re gonna be sued beneath the Earth’s crust.

                                                             MURPHY
 Have you had any contact with Benjamin Stiles since you left St. Francis in 1992?

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
No.

                                                            VANCE
 You know, Murphy, it’s not exactly teamwork if I’m treating her like a witness and you’re treating her like a suspect.

                                                             MURPHY
 Let me tell you what I see: I see a guy goes crazy and strangles his wife in the middle of Pre-Cana. There’s exactly one witness to the crime, an affirmative action baby who happens to be the signatory to a two-page love letter in the perp’s goddam high school yearbook! How did I become the bad guy for asking the most obvious questions in the world?

                                                            VANCE
 She’s a priest!

                                                             MURPHY
 She’s not a priest, she’s a disgrace in drag! (Pause.)

                                                             VANCE
 All right.

                                                             MURPHY (to MOTHER MEGHAN)
You won’t catch me at that parish, I wouldn’t go near it.

                                                             VANCE
 All right, Murphy, you’re gone.

                                                             MURPHY
I’m gone?

                                                             VANCE
You’re done for the day. You’re on smoke break for the next fifteen hours. 

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
 It can be frustrating, having to yell things at the television, because no one on the television can hear you. How often do you get to meet the person from the television face to face? How could you pass up the chance to yell when you’re finally in earshot?

                                                             MURPHY
You know what, don’t do that, don’t minister to me, all right?

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
 I’ve never been married, so I can’t imagine what it must be like to be divorced.

                                                             MURPHY (to VANCE)
You son of a bitch.

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
I’m so very, very sorry.

                                                             MURPHY
 What else did you tell her about me?

                                                             VANCE
 Wow, what a professional interrogation room I run! 

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
Someone used to help you with your clothes in the morning. They don’t anymore. I’m sorry, I don’t mean it as an insult.

                                                             MURPHY
Can you imagine a real priest saying shit like this? 

                                                            VANCE
Hey, Murphy? Remember the guy who gave her the job? The guy in the outfit? What was his name again?

                                                            MURPHY
 Fuck you.

                                                            VANCE
Something The Fifth? She’s a real priest. How else do you people decide things?

                                                            MURPHY
 “You people?”

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
“Disgrace in drag” is Glenn Beck, correct? 

                                                            MURPHY
It figures you would read your own press.

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
I certainly do read all my own death threats. (Pause.)

                                                            MURPHY
They never should have put that collar on you in the first place.

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN

All right.

                                                            VANCE
They had to do something, right?

                                                             MURPHY

Excuse me?

                                                             VANCE
To change the subject? How many child molesters did you people hide in 2010 alone? Seriously. How many molesters of children did your Church move around and hide from persecution in just calendar year 2010? (to MOTHER MEGHAN) No offense, Mother, but when the President called out your boss. I literally cheered in my living room.

                                                             MURPHY
When he declared war on the Vatican, you cheered.

                                                             VANCE
He didn’t declare war on the Vatican, he said if they were going to systematically cover up crimes against  American children, they would be treated like a hostile foreign power.

 

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
Detectives –

                                                             MURPHY
Funny how Muslims can do any goddam thing they want, and that’s all fine, but let a Catholic –

                                                             VANCE
Who said anything about Muslims -?

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
Detectives, while I can see this is an ongoing subject of discussion between you, I’m happy to return to the murder investigation at your earliest convenience.  (Pause.)

                                                            VANCE
You’re right, Ma’am. I’m sorry.

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
Detective Murphy: I did not in any way conspire with Mr. Stiles to murder his wife. He and I meant a great deal to each other for about one month of our junior year of high school, but we have not been in contact for close to two decades. Whatever you think of my elevation to the priesthood, I’m sure you can agree that if I was planning to steal a woman’s husband, it would represent a stunningly counter-productive use of time and energy. (Beat.)

                                                            MURPHY
 You’re right.

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
My heart is broken for Claire. My heart is broken for Ben. Nothing is left for me but to ask God’s mercy on their souls and help you any way I can.  

                                                             MURPHY

All right.

                                                            VANCE
 Okay, so going back to when she first showed you the yearbook –

                                                             MURPHY (producing a book)
 Recognize this?

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
 Not that edition, specifically.

                                                            VANCE
I’m right in the middle of a question!

                                                            MURPHY (handing him the book)
I bookmarked a page.

                                                             VANCE
 “Inaglio’s Catholic Book of Demonology”?

                                                             MURPHY
 He definitely said “Arazeer”?

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
Without question.

                                                             VANCE
Research sent this up?

                                                             MURPHY
I called it in, had a cadet run over to the Borders. (VANCE looks at him.) My head’s on straight, Mike. I got this.

                                                             VANCE (opening it to the bookmarked page)
 You know this book?

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
I know it exists.

                                                            VANCE
But you haven’t read it.

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
In seminary they called it “junk Catholicism.” Three rungs below Dan Brown.

                                                             VANCE (reading aloud)
“While accounts differ on particulars, Arazeer is most often described as the name chosen for a demon comprised of a conjoined set of septuplets, five male and two female, never separated after birth, that grew to speak in one voice. Arazeer is distinguished by an omnivorous and unquenchable appetite for sexual congress.” You’re kidding, right?

                                                            MURPHY
I wanna take a run at him, on his own terms. 

                                                            VANCE
I don’t know, Murphy.

                                                            MURPHY
Look: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, my temper – (to MOTHER MEGHAN) I’m sorry, Ms. Sacramento. I apologize for speaking to you in that manner.

                                                             VANCE
 I don’t think “Ms.” is the honorific you’re looking for.

                                                             MURPHY
Mother Sacramento. I’m sorry. Can you accept my apology?

                                                             MOTHER MEGHAN
That depends. Are you offering it so he’ll let you do something stupid?

                                                             MURPHY
We can’t let this guy get off on insanity. We need a confession. Not from Arazeer the Seven-Headed Demon, we need a confession from Ben Stiles. I need you to watch, from here, and watch for any sign of him poking through the act, anything we can use to catch him out.

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
I knew him in high school.

                                                             MURPHY
And right now that’s all we’ve got.

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
What if he really is insane?

                                                             MURPHY
He’s not. He’s lying. I’m really good at this, and he’s lying. 

                                                            MOTHER MEGHAN
Or if he really is a demon?

                                                            MURPHY
Well in that case… no one’s gonna miss me anyway, right?

                                                             VANCE
You got that right. 

                                                            MURPHY (Going to switch on the speaker)
I take point. 

                                                            VANCE
Until I decide you don’t. See how that works? (to MOTHER MEGHAN) You’re safe in here. Stay in here. Any time you have a problem, any problem, you open that door and yell for the desk sergeant. (to MURPHY) Speaker’s on?

                                                             BEN
 Is this what’s called “sweating us out”? 

                                                            VANCE
Guess so. 

                                                            BEN
How do you imagine that will work? Where do you think we live?

                                                           MURPHY
Let’s do this. (MURPHY and VANCE cross into the interrogation room.) Sorry to keep you waiting.

                                                            BEN
 Goodness gracious alive. Genuine homicide detectives. 

                                                            MURPHY
 You need anything, Mr. Stiles? Coffee? Soft drink?

                                                             BEN
We need you to call us by our proper name.

                                                             MURPHY
Arazeer, right. Hey, I’m sorry about that.

                                                            BEN
Where is she?

                                                            MURPHY
So – five boys, two girls, right?

                                                             BEN
Can she hear us right now?

                                                             MURPHY
I mean, that’s you – five boys, two girls? 

                                                            BEN
Where is she right now?

                                                             MURPHY
Maybe you’ve got other things to worry about, Ben – I’m sorry, Arazeer. Did I say Ben?                             

                                                            BEN
We have nothing else to worry about.

                                                            MURPHY
I’m sorry about that, it just slipped out. I think my problem is you don’t look anything like a seven-headed demon, so I keep forgetting. 

                                                            BEN
Seven-headed?

                                                            MURPHY (checking the book)
I’ve got that right, don’t I? Seven?

                                                            BEN
Trust me, Detective. We have seven of everything. Now why don’t we stop wasting time and BRING MOTHER SACRAMENTO TO US NOW!

                                                             MURPHY
Whoah, whoah, now –

                                                             VANCE

Step back.

                                                            MURPHY
’Cause I can totally do that –

                                                             BEN
NOW!!

                                                             VANCE
Seriously, sir, step back, I’m not gonna tell you again.

                                                            MURPHY
I can totally do that. But you have to understand, being a police officer and all, I’m kind of a stick in the mud, and I gotta wonder what you’re going to do with her.

                                                            BEN
Why don’t you ask us, then?

                                                            VANCE
Well he’s a demon, right Murphy? He probably wants her soul. 

                                                            MURPHY
You’re probably right, he probably wants her soul. Is it her soul?

                                                            BEN
Have you ever touched a soul, Detective Murphy?

                                                             MURPHY

Touched one?

                                                            BEN

With your hands? With your tongue Do you even know what a soul is? We don’t. Our colleagues seem to care a great deal about souls, but we don’t. We like bodies. We prefer bodies.

                                                            MURPHY
Bodies?

                                                            BEN (indicating himself)
This body, for example. We chose this body, specifically, the body of Mother Meghan’s only earthly love, for our connubial purpose. We chose this cock, the only cock she has ever held in her delicate hand, to plunge into her red kwim every hour unto the end of her days. We chose her body, her pale, thrumming, forbidden body, to cleave to us as our mortal bride until both these bodies expire and putresce. We chose these eyes to watch her walk into this room; these ears to hear as she, full-hearted, consents to our proposal. All that remains is that you drag your useless, rotting body over to that door, and let her in. (Pause.)

                                                            MURPHY
Wow. I didn’t think you were gonna say that. Did you think he was gonna say that, Mike?

                                                            VANCE
No, that’s definitely a new one.

                                                            MURPHY
That’s one for the books. You know what I don’t get, though? 

                                                            BEN
Detective, you have very nearly exhausted our patience.

                                                             MURPHY
If you’re this all-powerful demon who take over a man’s brain and body, if you can do all that, why do you even need her consent?

                                                            VANCE
That’s an awfully good question.

                                                            MURPHY
Why would you even let us arrest you and bring you in here in the first place?

                                                             VANCE

I like that one too.

                                                            BEN (quietly)
It’s all part of the plan.

                                                             MURPHY (moving closer)

I’m sorry, part of what?

                                                            BEN

Part of the plan.

                                                            MURPHY
The plan to do what?

                                                             BEN
Prove to Mother Meghan that no one can protect her and there’s nowhere she can hide.

                                                            MURPHY
 Boy, that’s a tall order. How are you gonna prove that?

                                                            BEN
Like this. (MURPHY is close enough now. BEN seizes him, and puts him into an armlock with one arm.)

                                                             VANCE (drawing his gun)
Let him go, right now! Right now! I’m not kidding, I’ll take your face right off! 

                                                            BEN
Isn’t that gun getting a little hot?

                                                            VANCE
Fuck – FUCK! (He drops the gun and cradles his hand.)

                                                             BEN

Now WATCH, Detective Murphy!

                                                            VANCE (to MOTHER MEGHAN)
Get the Desk Sergeant! Get the - ! (Suddenly VANCE cries out. He holds his head. He claws at his face, his ears, his hair. He sinks to the floor.)

                                                             BEN
Watch! Keep your eyes open, don’t you dare turn away! (VANCE’s whole body spasms, then he dies.) You see? Man of dust and salt, do you finally see? You cannot stand against us, you dare not raise your hand to us, we look upon your number and see only field mice! You tell her! You tell her there’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and the night of our nuptial hour approaches! (He flings MURPHY to the floor and looks directly at MOTHER MEGHAN through the one-way glass.) Or we’ll tell her ourselves.

Consent, Mother Sacramento. Consent and come away with us to the place we have made for you. There is no escape.

END OF PART 2

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